My ex boyfriend used to call me “nose whistler” because it really annoyed him when I breathed.
I really regret little things like that— Letting a man call me “nose whistler” and I didn’t say, “I’m nose Whistlers MOTHER” as I sit in a chair with my hands in my lap. Wearing a black dress. And a white bonnet. And I’m old. And my feet are on a stool.
I just slid my phone down my shirt for safe keeping because I was so sure I was wearing a sports bra but it fell straight through to the floor because turns out I’m wearing a real bra so I guess this is growing up?
Here’s the audio to my cover of Shock to Your System by Tegan and Sara. You can download it for free from scoutripley.bandcamp.com. What I lost in correct chords I made up in complete orchestral oversaturation, so….enjoy!
The Guardian:Any advice for a 21-year-old who hates their job and has the possibility of traveling the world? And has a boyfriend that they like. (This is for a friend.)
Rob Delaney:Go do it. Fuck him. Is he a guy in his 20s? Then he's the least significant type of person on the planet. A male in their 20s? Run in the opposite direction. Nothing he says matters; his fears, his hopes his dreams are garbage. Men in their 20s are the worst thing happening on our planet. Go, go to Uzbekistan, go to South Korea, just go anywhere he isn't because men in their 20s are bad for young women.
The Guardian:So what do women in their 20s do?
Rob Delaney:Masturbate. Date other women for a while. Use men sexually for a while but don't ever invite their opinion or be bound to them in any way.
I’m a hostess in a glorified bar, and a certain waiter loves to come up to the host stand and show me every single goddamn napkin or piece of paper some girl has written her # on and it’s so sad and also a little sweet, because he’s about as subtle as a peacock, and every time it takes all of my restraint not to smily sweetly and say, “Listen, if you want to fuck me all you have to do is ask…” and then get him some milk and send him to bed.