January 2012
81 posts
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December 2011
128 posts
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literallythegutterpress:
Little Talks - Of...
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Andrew Jackson Jihad— Big Bird
I’m...
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Did you guys know that the movie "In Time" was...
A clock starts the moment I realize I have to pee. It has 10 minutes on it. If I don’t make it to a bathroom in those 10 minutes, my bladder explodes and I’m dead.
They actually wanted my bladder and I to star in the movie, but I said “No, give the parts to JT and Karen from Mean Girls, they haven’t had a break in awhile”.
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“We have to leave by 10:30. If we don’t leave by 10:30 we can’t...”
– Me telling my sister what time we should leave for Chicago tomorrow
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I just invented the Merekins diet. It's going to...
All food is allowed, as long as it is a food that can be thrown up in the air and caught in the mouth.
Step 1. Throw food in air (preferably as high as possible).
Step 2. Stand looking up at food with mouth open, not moving. (Some bobbing and weaving is allowed, this is exercise). When food inevitably falls on floor*, walk away.
*If food falls in bra, you may throw it again.
We’re all...
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“Hang on a sec, I have to go throw up.”
– Me to a Verizon employee after he told me he only listens to British Rock and Indie Hip-Hop. No one gets away with hipster pretentiousness when I’m around.
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I'm going to do you all a favor.
I’m going to tell you to stop whatever you’re doing, turn on WE, and watch the shit out of Braxton Family Values, because I swear to God it’s everything ever.
Recommendation coming to you from the same girl who thinks The Simple Life is the best show in the history of television.
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Brand New- Jesus Christ
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I am a (sort-of) grown woman,
yet my first thought tonight upon throwing on black sweatshirt with black yoga pants was, “OK. Who am I TP-ing?”.
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Anonymous asked: What color are your eyes?
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My sister and I are watching Whose Line
and have come up with an awesome idea for a single topic Tumblr:
Lesbian or 90s?
Case in point.
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http-usmc-com asked: why are u so hot?
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Okay so:
This praying Amish dude was part of my mom’s Christmas gift because I thought he was hilarious… But I just realized that if you see him from the back it looks like this:
I inadvertently gave my mother a penis on the Lord’s birthday. A giant, wooden penis.
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Watching old home movies with my family is making...
because why did no one feel it was important to tell 11-year-old Meredith that it is not necessary to part one’s hair directly down the middle?
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“I don’t know when he’s going to get here. I left the key in a potted...”
– My 75-year-old grandmother.
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Family Christmas #1 just concluded.
I spent most of it trying to convince my Dad that Jonathan Taylor Thomas had been killed in a random act of gang violence outside a Starbucks. I was successful enough that he spent at least 10 solid minutes sitting in a corner silently Googling it on his phone.
I am totally rocking Christmas this year.
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"santa" bloopers on the facebook fan page! →
Like, the episode was amazing as per usual… But this is on a whole other level. We are all Santa. We are all Very Mary-Kate.
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Anonymous asked: Is Kevin Mack gay?
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I just spent 20 minutes trying to come up with a joke about how Scrooge was a miser, but if he had made unfounded assumptions about more things he would have been a “surmiser”, which is not to be confused with “Sir Miser”— a miser of noble lineage.
If anyone needs me I’ll be dead.
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Vampire Weekend- I Think Ur A Contra
Love me some...
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Evolution of Cool:
Words=Cool. Words+”S”=Swords=Cooler. Swords+Scoundrels=Pirates=Coolest
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“What can I do to make my dumps more truck-like?”
– The question of my soul
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I'm about to do the remainder of my Christmas...
and I’m trying to think of a joke about how I’m going to “Mannheim Steamroll” the experience, but I can’t put anything together that doesn’t make me throw up a little in my mouth.
suggitez asked: cle represent
Anonymous asked: You are adorable. Do you have a bf?
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You know what is the worst?
When a homeless person asks you for money, and obviously you don’t give them any, because you have none, which you would normally feel bad about, but it’s the Holidays, so when they say, “You have a Merry Christmas. God bless you”, instead of feeling bad you go straight to wanting to kill yourself.
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